Expectations: we all have them. It doesn't matter what we are thinking the expectations we have, or even if we truly recognize them and try to prepare ourselves for a different outcome, we can still be completely caught off guard.Motherhood was one thing that I thought I was prepared for. I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. My first imagination play memories are with my little brothers playing house, doctor, or office. I wanted to be a pediatrician from when I was 5 until like 16 because I thought I liked kids so much. I was a great babysitter when I was young because I loved to play with the kids I watched. Things surrounding parenthood became clearer as I lived life and went through college, and I wasn't sure I loved kids as much as I used to, or I just wasn't sure how to handle them. I became more selfish with my time, but I concluded that when I had my one child I would love them to pieces and everything would be fine. And I LOVE babies! I work in a labor and delivery unit, and I truly enjoy being part of maternal/child care. I thought this job would have prepared me a little better....
I first noticed this anxiety when breastfeeding was not going as planned and I was trying to recover from my labor experience, but it has continued long past weaning D
aniel and coming to terms with labor. Both those situations have taken me a considerable amount of time to process through, and I believe that the Holy Spirit has truly allowed me to acknowledge the pain of both situations and move on. I have just recently been able to let go of the fact that I wasn't able to nurse my son the way I wanted to. This was something that I was in no way prepared for. I was prepared for lack of sleep or pain or feeling separated from society for a while or having to adjust our marriage, but nobody told me my milk supply might not be sufficient, and it killed me. But, God is gracious, and I was recently told by someone who listened to me through my struggle that it was time to let it go.
Well, I'm writing this all to say that I have been spinning around and trying to stay standing for most of this year. I know that those close to me have heard me speak of anxiety and inability to cope like I have in the past, but I really want to come to terms with how this year has gone. I have attributed most of this to lack of sleep and hormone imbalance. I thought for sure that my thyroid was off kilter, but when I had it checked this spring, I learned that it was not the culprit.
I am still not sure what the true reason is for all of my emotional disruption this year, but I am willing to accept the fact that I believe I have suffered from postpartum depression. I never wanted to harm Daniel or not care for him (that has always been my interpretation of ppdepression), but I have struggled intensely to adapt to the daily cares of a child and lack of sleep.Daniel is such a wonderful boy, and I feel as though I am now able to truly enjoy him. I have had a wonderful ride watching him grow this year, but I have not been able to fully grasp the wonder of his life. I am asking the Lord to help me to cherish him more, that I might be able to guide him on his path, and teach him the ways of the Lord. Cory has been by my side this whole year and has supported me unconditionally as I've struggled along. I know there were times when I believed my body was betraying me, and that I was not the same person I knew myself to be. My emotions have been out of control at times, and Cory has helped me through it.
I really wanted to share this with you, my family, because I don't see many of you very often, and I know that my communication of these things and my acknowledgement of my struggle will help me to move on. I love you all very much!
