The End of 2011

Well, it seems as though I have completely neglected this blog for a long while! I never intend to leave these fun things out of my daily schedule, but I am still learning how to manage my time as a mom.

Cory and I are about to add another little one to our family! We are 31 weeks pregnant, expecting a little boy or girl around Feb 5th. Daniel is 23 months old and I'm sure he suspects something is going on, but he really doesn't have a clue what is about to happen. He has been a little more clingy lately, and wanting more of our attention, so I wonder if he's getting the idea that change is on the horizon. I've been told that he'll struggle with a little sibling for a while, but then he'll learn the routine and it'll be fine. I know he'll be a great big brother.

Daniel is such a joy to us. He is learning so much, and his vocabulary is really exploding! He repeats so many phrases, and it is so cute to hear him try to say what we do. His new favorites are platypus, dragonfly, tugboat, mall-jump, and a variety of ball/sport-related terms, to name a few. He is very curious and is beginning to play quite well with our little kitchen and food items, finding things to spin on the floor, reading lots of books, and playing cars with daddy. He has always liked to play with balls and animal toys, and that hasn't changed. His awareness of the things that are going on around him amazes me. I cannot believe that he is already almost 2.

Cory and I are so blessed to have each other, and we are realizing more and more what a blessing it is to have a marriage that is founded by the Lord's grace and mercy. I love my husband so much, and he has been so supportive and helpful as we have ventured into parenthood. I look forward to being parents of two together!

I hope that this blog becomes more of a daily routine/event kinda page, but I just wanted to give an update since I haven't written in such a long time.

The First Year

Expectations: we all have them. It doesn't matter what we are thinking the expectations we have, or even if we truly recognize them and try to prepare ourselves for a different outcome, we can still be completely caught off guard.Motherhood was one thing that I thought I was prepared for. I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. My first imagination play memories are with my little brothers playing house, doctor, or office. I wanted to be a pediatrician from when I was 5 until like 16 because I thought I liked kids so much. I was a great babysitter when I was young because I loved to play with the kids I watched. Things surrounding parenthood became clearer as I lived life and went through college, and I wasn't sure I loved kids as much as I used to, or I just wasn't sure how to handle them. I became more selfish with my time, but I concluded that when I had my one child I would love them to pieces and everything would be fine. And I LOVE babies! I work in a labor and delivery unit, and I truly enjoy being part of maternal/child care. I thought this job would have prepared me a little better....

I first noticed this anxiety when breastfeeding was not going as planned and I was trying to recover from my labor experience, but it has continued long past weaning D

aniel and coming to terms with labor. Both those situations have taken me a considerable amount of time to process through, and I believe that the Holy Spirit has truly allowed me to acknowledge the pain of both situations and move on. I have just recently been able to let go of the fact that I wasn't able to nurse my son the way I wanted to. This was something that I was in no way prepared for. I was prepared for lack of sleep or pain or feeling separated from society for a while or having to adjust our marriage, but nobody told me my milk supply might not be sufficient, and it killed me. But, God is gracious, and I was recently told by someone who listened to me through my struggle that it was time to let it go.

Well, I'm writing this all to say that I have been spinning around and trying to stay standing for most of this year. I know that those close to me have heard me speak of anxiety and inability to cope like I have in the past, but I really want to come to terms with how this year has gone. I have attributed most of this to lack of sleep and hormone imbalance. I thought for sure that my thyroid was off kilter, but when I had it checked this spring, I learned that it was not the culprit.

I am still not sure what the true reason is for all of my emotional disruption this year, but I am willing to accept the fact that I believe I have suffered from postpartum depression. I never wanted to harm Daniel or not care for him (that has always been my interpretation of ppdepression), but I have struggled intensely to adapt to the daily cares of a child and lack of sleep.

Daniel is such a wonderful boy, and I feel as though I am now able to truly enjoy him. I have had a wonderful ride watching him grow this year, but I have not been able to fully grasp the wonder of his life. I am asking the Lord to help me to cherish him more, that I might be able to guide him on his path, and teach him the ways of the Lord. Cory has been by my side this whole year and has supported me unconditionally as I've struggled along. I know there were times when I believed my body was betraying me, and that I was not the same person I knew myself to be. My emotions have been out of control at times, and Cory has helped me through it.

I really wanted to share this with you, my family, because I don't see many of you very often, and I know that my communication of these things and my acknowledgement of my struggle will help me to move on. I love you all very much!

Daniel's first Christmas.

Daniel was fairly timid when opening presents for Christmas and his birthday, but he sure enjoyed them once they were in his hands!

Daniel was also skeptical when it came to digging in to his first cake. After some help from mom and dad, he ate a good portion of this delicious little cake.

Thanksgiving and Christmas Decorations

Daniel showcasing his great smile.

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Daniel loves lights! He wants to touch them whenever he can. He reaches for overhead lighs and pulls the cords. He loves Christmas lights and has, on occasion, said "Dat!" We try for repeats of that, but his most common word these days is "Ba" all day long

This was such a fun time. We were able to visit the Botanic Gardens in Denver during our Thanksgiving trip.

Fall with Daniel

Daniel was our cute fuzzy dragon for Halloween. We went out walking and Daniel did fine, and totally devoured his first sucker!

While my mom was in town, we went on a lovely walk to Boyer Chute.

This was our annual Lutterman family trip to Nebraska City. No bees this year, mom!

Daniel loves to slide.

Homesick

With the coming of fall, I find myself introspective and homesick. Sometimes I just want to bake the most perfect pastry that will take me to a place of wonder and comfort, satisfying my desire to feel "home." I don't exactly know why I associate baked goods and coffee with my longing for home, but I have noticed that this is a common trend lately.

Dave and Megan gave Cory and I this great book last Christmas, Prodigal God. I finally got through it (it takes me a little while :)), and the last chapter was revelatory for me. I must admit the whole book was revelatory, but I was particularly taken with the last chapter. It described the feeling one gets when Christmas is coming and you imagine hot chocolate by the fire, or a sleigh taking you and your loved ones to a cottage in the glen for Christmas carols. It is the longing to go back to your favorite childhood spot and feel those same lovely feelings of satisfaction. I couldn't put into words this longing that I had so many days; I fancied myself discontent with my life or this world. I know that I am, and in one sense it's appropriate, for this is not my home. My longing is one in which I must wait for satiation. It is a longing for my new home, my home in the kingdom of God, my ultimate rest. I won't find rest here. I look for it in such lowly places. A baked good? How can that compare to the satisfaction of knowing and dwelling with God? I know it sounds silly, but it's my association right now and I need to retrain my thinking.

I am going through changes regarding my fellowship with the Lord; I must mature. When I was younger, the feelings came easy. It's as though I could just think of my Teen Mania trips and all was well between me and God; it felt good. I must go on from the milk, becoming mature in the Lord. My hearts cry is to know the Word and God's plans, not just what I've learned and thought to be true because of tradition, but the real truth. My plan is to study the Word. Where else could I venture to find truth? I started a study, and in the 2nd chapter, I created a time line on five sheets of computer paper taped together. I am really excited to fill it in over the next months. I have asked for a seeking heart, like that of Moses, and I trust God to grow that in me as I am faithful to pursue Him.

I think of my family near and far, and I am so glad to have you. I love everyone who might read this blog.